Not Knowing Is Knowing

Hands in Añjali Mudrā, bowing to my spiritual teacher as respect and love flowed from my entire being. A lifetime ago but feels like yesterday. I'm in my last few months of graduate school, I just passed the boards for my NCC (National Certified Counselor). She asks the question.  

You know the one.

It's asked at the end of every educational milestone, in the midst of career change, at the beginning of marriage and (for some) at the end, after losing a loved one, in the crux of a heartbreak. Times of major transition the golden question is… 

What do you want to do now?

 I hesitated. My mind's eye was running through the “right” responses. I search for the answer I think the person in front of me wants to hear while trying to satiate the anxiety and mind spin of my own not knowing. Then I saw the person in front of me. I trusted it came from her deepest desire to know what I truly wanted. I felt a swelling of truth erupt from my gut to my heart to my head. The words poured from my lips like divine nectar.

 “I don't know”

 As the confidence punched through my uncertainty, an empowerment surfaced. I felt like a superhero of not knowing, cape flowing in the wind with a huge “?” on my chest.

With her pensive, sparkling eyes, she looked right into my soul and said

“Good”

She gave a huge smile ensconced in an aura of light and love, bowed her head with her hands to her heart. That one word echoed through my soul as the chanting kirtan blanketed our exchange with peace. 

 Fast forward +20 years and I can still feel the freedom from her response. I felt an implosion of relief. With that release came a second wave of truth.

 Releasing the truth of not knowing to someone who celebrated exactly where I was, and believed I was exactly where I needed to be, gave me freedom to speak a vulnerable truth to myself. In that moment, I realized I just couldn't access what was next for me.

For me, ‘I don’t know' really meant I wasn't ready for what I really wanted. Not knowing was an opportunity for me to be present with the fear that had highjacked my knowing. So, I made a conscious decision to welcome not knowing to see what was there.

I sat lotus and began to meditate.

The truth was pungent - not knowing is knowing.

I knew the path the world was expecting me to take - I mean you graduate with a counseling degree, get board certified, shouldn't the answer be obvious???

When that wasn't MY answer I panicked, I froze.

 In speaking my truth, I found peace in not knowing.

In this peace I began to explore what I did know, and it found me.  

 My clients come to me thinking, and believing, they don't know. Some truly don't know in that moment. Some know but the fear of revealing what they truly want intercepts their willingness to bring it to surface. They think themself into a corner of denial, repressing their true desires.

Some say what the world expects them to say what they should want because of where they've been, family expectations, financial commitments, the roles they've had (is this resonating with you?). You may not know, you may have a knowing that you are questioning or find impossible to want.

 How do you move from not knowing to knowing?

If you are feeling like you don't know what you want or it's just beyond reach, walk through these five steps with me and see where you land.

1. Start where you are.

Embrace the truth that not knowing is knowing. Trust that somewhere in you, some reservoir of clarity is waiting to be released when the right circumstance, question, awareness is revealed to you or an obstacle is removed.

If you don't know what's next or what you want - give yourself permission to not know. Knowing is being at peace with the present moment - even when the present moment is not knowing. 

 2. Explore not knowing.

Ask yourself, is it true? Is it true I don't know what I want?

Get real with yourself here. If you feel fear - pull the truth through the fear and write it down or say it to yourself. No one has to know what you really want until you are ready to give it life. Remember this is just you exploring.

3. Discover what you want.

Move from exploration to discovery. Take a deeper dive if it hasn't come to you OR if it has and you want to refine it. Take yourself on a discovery expedition. Set aside time to intentionally discover without any expectation. Write the first response that comes to your mind, it typically presents a truth within.

If you had nothing to lose what would you try?

What would I love to learn today?

What would I do if I were 10 times bolder?

What would I do if I knew my success was guaranteed?

What am I doing when I feel most alive?

If I were a helicopter looking down on my life, what would I want to see?

4. Decide an action.

What one small step are you willing to take from the information you gained above?

Not a leap but a step. A step that feels doable.

 5. Take Action.

Act on your decision. Choose to move forward in the way you define it for yourself.

One step becomes two, three, and the next thing you know you've traveled from not knowing to living the known!

 Here's to the divine nectar of knowing that comes from not knowing!